No one enjoys getting hurt. No one enjoys having their trust betrayed. No one enjoys their heart breaking. But it happens. To all of us. One way or the other. Sometimes – people are resilient. They can take the pain, process it, and go on. To others, every tear creates a piece of wall that keeps building with every little damage after. We form mechanisms to protect ourselves – so we won’t be fooled again.
Anxiety is my form of protection. I see the possible worst-case scenario in most situations. I put myself down, so my hopes will never fully flourish. It says a tiny seed buried deep down. The only thing keeping it alive is a small whisper of “maybe someday.”
Maybe someday…. I won’t be so scared.
Maybe someday…. I can take a risk.
Maybe someday…. I can be that person.
Maybe someday…. I can believe in others.
Maybe someday…. I can believe in myself.
Maybe someday…. I can break down these walls.
Maybe someday…. I break out of my shell.
Maybe someday…. I will stop being in my own way.
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For so long, I kept myself hidden. Waiting for the someday. I opened up my heart a lot, but it took a long time before I was truly seen. I hated my anxiety but at the same time – I was secure in it. It kept me safe. When I opened my heart and got crushed – I could say that my anxiety was right. When people left, it confirmed the fact that I wasn’t worthy.
There was so much I wanted, but to get it I had to take a leap of faith. This happened in all aspects of my life: relationships, friendships, family, professional, personal. If I wanted to become more me – then I couldn’t keep so much of myself cooped inside of myself. I was cutting myself off from so much of the world that I wish I could be a part of.
Anxiety was protecting me in a way. I was prepared when the worst came. I was prepared for the terrible. In time, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the “I know you are going to leave me” attitude that kept me one foot out the door. It’s the “what’s the point in trying?” that made me never succeed.
I reached a point when I know I deserve so much more than what anxiety was allowing me to experience. I wanted more out of life. I wanted more out of my experiences. I wanted to try new activities. I wanted to feel good enough to go places. I wanted to feel worthy of wearing certain clothes. I wanted to feel that I deserved being seen.
Reaching that point, brought me to the “someday.” It allowed that glimmer of hope to speak up just a little louder. It allowed me to be able to push past my anxieties, if only a little bit. It gave me space to grow.
It took me many trials and errors to get to where I am today. I fight for myself. I fight for what I know I deserve. I reach out to others. I believe that I am worthy of taking up space. I believe that I am worthy of love. Those are incredibly hard things to accomplish – and sometimes whispers of doubt rain over me – but most days I believe it. And that’s something.