In the last week or two, a lot of things are falling into place for me. Jobs. Writing. Living situations. Relationships. It’s working out. My life is a puzzle, and it’s finally coming together. I am happy. I have the typical everyday stressors that I can handle. There is also a lurking sensation of something dark right behind me.
But then there’s the anticipation. I start to create problems where there are none. I look for what I’m missing because I must be missing something because my life cannot be without some major issue. I refuse to be fully invested in my happiness because I’m ready for something to fall apart. I’m prepared for something not to work out. I can’t have hope, because that I’m going to be crushed when it doesn’t work out.
I’m doing my best to be invested in what I want because that’s the best way to live. I’m learning how to be okay with things being good in the present and being content with that.
I can’t predict the future. I can’t predict if this job will work out or if my new living situation will pan out in the end. But I can try. I can have hope. I can not let my anxiety stop me from being happy at this moment.
Constantly waiting for the break is exhausting. I’m living on the edge being hypervigilant of everything that could go wrong. But it’s stealing everything in my present from me. It is creating problems when there are no problems.
I just want to believe.
I want to believe that good things can happen to me.
I want to believe that things can work out.
I want to believe that I’m worthy of good things happening.
I want to believe that I can do it.
Because all of it is true – and a large part of me now believes it.
I am finally getting to the point where I can be content with things being okay in the present and being okay with that.
Things in my life are going well – and that’s good. I am happy with the way things are. That’s more than enough.
Follow me on Instagram @sylvmarcia to follow more of my mental health journey.
Items that help me be more present: (these are affiliate links)