Those pestering anxious and depressive thoughts. You know the kind. That kind that you know are lying to you. The kind that you know is illogical. The kind you don’t want to think but come to your mind anyway. The kind that you wish would just shut up. I feel guilty for having them. I feel like a failure because they are still there.
No matter how far along I get in recovery, those little pestering thoughts still seem to linger. Some days I can push them down and ignore them. Sometimes they buzz just a little longer than I would like and they eat at me. Sometimes I mention them. Sometimes I keep them to myself. But they are constant.
It’s not a screaming thought. They don’t make me cry. They don’t make me want to hide away. They are just thoughts that maybe most people get. They are no longer high flames, just a little burning cinder. But the smoke is still there slowly choking me. It’s a slower crumble than the louder thoughts.
I am still trying to figure out how to quiet them. Sometimes it’s just getting a little reassurance from loved ones. Sometimes it’s about finding evidence about how why and how these thoughts are illogical. Sometimes it’s just bringing myself back to the present moment.
These little pestering thoughts – they may linger, but I no longer what to have them cause damage to my life. I want my relationships with people to grow and not to hurt just because of these thoughts. I want to be honest. I want to let these thoughts go. I think I can. I just need more practice. Just one more battle.