Pretending I’m Okay Never Works

Sometimes I think I’m well – finally. That I don’t need to pay attention to my mental health as I used to. I would become so frustrated that there’s something so wrong with me – that I have to be a person that has to pay such close attention to things like that. Why can’t I be the person that doesn’t have to think about my mental health? Why do I need to take breaks from people? Why do I have to take it easy? It’s so easy to feel like I’m the only one in the world who struggles with this – when, obviously, I’m not.

Anxiety-Pretend-Being OkayI’m not the only one that wishes that anxiety and depression didn’t consume them.
I’m not the only one that wishes that I could just be okay without having to work on it.
I’m not the only one that takes medication to manage my mental health.
I’m not the only one who struggles with personal relationships due to mental health.
You get the picture. You are not alone in this. I’m not alone in this. Our personal experiences and stories will all be different, but we all wish it weren’t us at one time or another.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m okay. That I’m not one of the ones that struggle. That I can be okay without having to pay attention to my feelings every minute. I stop keeping track. I stop working on my routines. I stop being aware of how I am feeling. I just stop thinking about it. I call it denial. I like pretending that I’m finally and perfectly well.

This never works out for me in the end. I have never been fully well. Anxiety and depression always seem to come back. When I don’t pay attention to how my anxiety and depression affect my life, they come in full force. It’s as if they feel neglected then decide to do a hostile take over until I pay attention to them again.

I can then become all consumed by anxiety and depression. I feel bad about myself. I pity myself. I define myself as anxiety and depression and have a hard time seeing myself for anything else. This never really helps either. I almost found it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m always going to be anxious and depressed so what’s the point of even trying to be better?

Recently, I decided to start paying attention to my mental health, but in a balanced way. Keeping track. Finding routines. Doing what makes me happy. Being aware of my emotions. Knowing it’s okay to take a break when I need to.

This isn’t going to be perfect. I probably will still fluctuate between the two extremes while doing my best to keep in the middle. Doing my best to make myself proud. Doing my best to not let anxiety and depression take over. Doing my best to be aware of my emotions.

Objects to help in this process:

THIS LIST INCLUDES AFFILIATE LINKS. IF YOU PURCHASE A PRODUCT FROM THIS LIST, I RECEIVE A SMALL PORTION OF THE PROCEEDS.

1. 52 Lists for Happiness: Weekly Journaling Inspiration for Positivity, Balance, and Joy

2. Bath & Body Works, Aromatherapy Stress Relief 3-Wick Candle, Eucalyptus Spearmint

3. ZonLi Cool Weighted Blanket (60”x80”, 20lbs for 170-230lb Individual, Grey) for Adults Women, Men, Children | Great for Insomnia, Autism, Stress and Anxiety Relief | Fit Queen Sized Bed

4. URPOWER Essential Oil Diffuser, 200ml Wood Grain Aromatherapy Diffuser Ultrasonic Cool Mist Aroma Humidifier with Adjustable Mist Mode, Waterless Auto Shut-Off, 7 Color LED Lights & 4 Timer Settings

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Pretending I’m Okay Never Works”

  1. Thanks for sharing openly about your ongoing struggle. It sometimes feels like anxiety and depression are always in the back of the mind waiting for that moment that you finally relax. Kind of like the middle puddle in the Robert Munch book. I have found that building wellness strategies into my daily routine means I have to consciously think about it less.

    Like

  2. I feel this so much: “Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m okay. That I’m not one of the ones that struggle. That I can be okay without having to pay attention to my feelings every minute. I stop keeping track. I stop working on my routines. I stop being aware of how I am feeling. I just stop thinking about it. I call it denial. I like pretending that I’m finally and perfectly well.”

    Your post makes a lot of sense and I really appreciate these resources. I’ve been meaning to check out 52 lists!

    Like

  3. My wife often wonders where my depression is. I have become an expert at hiding it and pretending that everything is fine, while inside I am dying slowly. My anxiety, she can always tell because I can’t hide my anxiousness, sweaty hands, nervousness, claustrophobia , etc. But I’m not okay. I need to start focusing on my health and get a routine down and become active. Only then will I finally be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much and you feel like you have to hide it. Being aware is the first step. I hoping finding a routine and being active helps! And hopefully you’re wife can too. It’s sometimes harder for people to understand.

      Like

  4. Thank you for your honesty, I use to hide a lot too, but now speaking out and telling someone the truth on how I’m feeling actually makes me feel better and I’m not as scared to be myself (ie:maybe staying in bed or not going out).When I speak up and deal with how I’m feeling usually the depression subsides slowly over time.I also like that you shared the weighted blanked, seems like it will help.

    Like

  5. Right, you are not alone. And this is why I read anxiety blogs, to remind me I’m not alone and to learn from others who struggle the same. For me, I’ve gotten better, but my anxiety likes to pop up and torment me sometimes like it just wants to remind me that it’s still here and hasn’t left me for good. It is what it is… I must be mindful, careful of my thoughts, to help avoid an anxiety attack. But sometimes one will just wake me up at night. So, it happens that I just got a weighted blanket a week ago and so far it’s been helpful I think. I actually plan to post on my blog about it in the near future. Thanks again for sharing details of your struggles. It’s kinda weird but good to read someone else’s thoughts and feel like so much of them are my own thoughts and feelings. Take care!

    Like

    1. Yeah, I feel the same way. Sometimes my anxiety is muted in the background and then it gets a little stronger just so I know it still has a hold over me. I’m glad the weighted blanket has helped a bit! And I also agree hearing other stories helps people connect and feel like they aren’t the only one struggling.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, so I really am not just the only one. Yeah, like anxiety lies and says it still has me and will never leave. It’s weird, I admit. But that’s what it does. But also, yeah, most of the time my anxiety is like a hum, a background noise or buzzing inside. And I can tell when it builds up, but sometimes it just shows up full on.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s