When you’re in a relationship and living with roommates, alone time can be hard to come by. But when it happens, I cherish it. For some people out there, alone time is the time when you can gain energy back. It’s when you can truly be yourself and be happy. It’s when you can relax. Recently, alone time has been precious for my well-being, but it wasn’t always that way for me. I didn’t still enjoy my alone time. It used to feel like torture.
Alone time was hard. Being by myself was weird for me. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. I was alone with my anxious and depressive thoughts. Those thoughts were taking over more easily when there wasn’t another body to distract me. I started drinking a lot of wine and taking Zzzquil to sleep. Not exactly healthy coping mechanisms.
When I was alone, I was able to convince myself that my friends and loved ones didn’t care about me. That I could disappear and no one would even notice. I thought how I wasn’t good enough for much and that I was terrified of living. So I hid or laid on my floor and cried. It was a constant battle when I was alone. It was exhausting.
When I was around others, the thoughts were slightly quieter. I could talk to others. I could be doing things. I wasn’t alone forcing myself to confront my terrifying mind. It was like that for quite a while. Finding peace in alone time was a lot of work for me.
It took a bit of practice, but I was able to adjust to having alone time and actually enjoying it. Now I am able to take more control of it. I find healthier coping mechanisms to stay focused and be present. I do puzzles. I read. I go explore towns I have never been to. I plan hikes with my friends. I clean. I cook. I enjoy it immensely.
It gives me time to focus on myself. To focus on my needs. To focus on what I have been neglecting of myself. I get to plan my own adventures on what I want to do and no one else. I get to discover exactly how I want to live my life. I relish in the idea of learning more about myself.
I still love spending time with others, of course, but I also appreciate the time alone. If you struggled like me, do your best to focus on what makes you happy. Do activities you would like to do. Find ways to cope healthily. And just keep doing it until something clicks. It’s going to suck sometimes, but eventually, peace will come. Or it may never be something that you genuinely enjoy, but it gives you time to focus on yourself. That’s okay too.