For me, it’s really easy to be harsh on myself. To tell myself that I should be doing more. That I should be farther by now. That I am a complete mess and failure. That my anxiety and depression are in control. Every time I have a slight moment of anxiety, I feel defeated. But today, I looked back on photos. My perspective changed a bit.
I looked at my Snapchat specifically. I looked at my stories. I looked at how many times I drank wine to cover up my anxiety and to survive a night. I saw how many times I had breakdowns in my car midday. I saw my thoughts and daily moments being consumed by it. I saw some friendships that came and gone. I saw memories with my favorite puppy who is now passed. I saw experiences that gave me intense anxiety which I survived.
I especially saw myself grow. I saw my obsession with my anxiety become less and less. I saw myself becoming whole again. I saw myself becoming more secure. I saw myself no longer drinking as much wine. I saw myself being at peace with myself. I saw my relationships grow. I saw myself doing new activities and no longer being consumed by anxiety and depression. After I remembered at those moments, I had a moment where I was just intensely proud of myself.
I am kicking ass compared to who I was two years ago. I have my moments still –
obviously. I probably always will. I went out with new coworkers the other week and felt like a burden for just being there most of the time. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing at my job most of the time. I still deal with being hard on myself more than others. But I’m freaking happy. I like where I am. I like where I am heading. I have hope. I have peace.
I needed to see those hard moments tonight. I needed to be reminded of how far I came. I needed to see how I overcame so much and kept moving forward despite it all. I needed to be reminded of my failures and accomplishments. I needed to be reminded of how far I have come. I may still struggle at times, but I have grown immensely. And that is something I can be proud of.