Anxiety and depression come with a lot of feelings that I’m not a fan of.
The feeling of waiting for the fall. When things are going well, you are just waiting for something bad to happen. Because of course, things can’t be going well for you.
The feeling of never being enough, but also being too much at the same time.
The feeling of having guilt for existing.
The feeling of never truly belonging anywhere.
The feeling of having guilt for your friends and loved ones in your life, because they have to put up with you.
The feeling of wanting to run away because people would be better off without you.
The feeling of being exhausted all the time, no matter how much you sleep.
The feeling of frustration over nothing and everything.
The feeling of being lost with a map.
The feeling of being trapped.
I could go on, but I won’t. Lately, my mind is wrapped up in these feelings. I have been doing well for a while, but now I feel as if I can’t do anything right. I’m never good enough. I’m never strong enough. I’m just never okay.
I have people coming up to me often, explaining how they also struggle with anxiety and depression. I become their soundboard. They start to feel less alone. I am happy to be that person for them.
But, what if I still feel alone. What if I still feel like everyone in my life deserves better than me. That I, for some special reason, don’t deserve to be happy.
It sounds dramatic. I know that. I know it sounds ludicrous. I know that’s not true, especially when my sound mind speaks up. But sometimes, when I don’t have the strength, I can’t argue with those voices. Anxiety and depression become all I am, instead of just a part.
My therapist tried to remind me of this today. That I’m not only anxiety and depression. That I can get wrapped up in that piece of my identity. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to concentrate on the negative. Maybe because the negative just seems to stick out a bit more. But she’s right. Anxiety and depression aren’t all of me.
No one is just one thing. I shouldn’t define myself as anxious and depressive, even though that’s the easiest thing to do. It’s especially easy when I feel like I’m becoming succumbed by anxiety and depression again. In a big way. In a way, I haven’t felt for around two years. It hit me off guard. It knocked me on my feet. I’m trying to learn new ways to handle it. So right now, I’m hard on myself. I’m more apt to realize that I’m not always fun to be around, and that hurt me a lot.
I want to be that person for others. The one that plans. That one that is strong. The one that is doing things anyway. The one who can be supportive. The one who can laugh still. The one who can be chill. The one that is talented at everything. The one that is okay. But I’m not. I’m not that person. I have a lot of feelings. I’m not good at hiding them. Anxiety and depression take over at times.
Some people may only see me for having anxiety and depression. They will only see me for the moments when I’m falling apart. When I’m becoming overwhelmed. When I’m having an anxiety attack. When I “act out” due to my anxiety. When I can’t get out of bed. When I take naps all afternoon. I guess that is their loss. Because that’s not all that I am. I am so much more than that. Even if I may not always realize it.