Today I’m feeling proud. It’s not necessarily a feeling I’m used to. It’s not a feeling I really allow myself to feel. Recently, my anxiety has been high. Insecurity has consumed me. I cried. I wanted to run away from everyone in my life because I thought they would be better off without me. I cried because I thought everyone deserved better than me. I cried because I didn’t feel like enough.
A couple of weekends ago, I planned a trip with some friends. There was 7 of us. I got the Air BnB. I planned for dinner. I planned a hike. My partner helped with some of the other days and details. That weekend, I was so overwhelmed. I had so much pressure on myself to have that weekend go well. I had pressure to make sure everyone else was happy. I had pressure to do well with my anxiety. So, as you might have guessed, this pressure didn’t end well with me. My friends had a great time. I became overwhelmed. I become insecure. I ended up reacting physically. My body twitched. I lashed out a bit at my partner. But I mean, it went well for the most part. I could have handled the weekend a bit better, but for the most part – I kicked butt.
For the past couple of days, my partner has been on a trip. This used to fill me with my dread. I would be so concerned that this trip would end us. But I handled it like a boss. I trusted him. I didn’t accuse me. I let him have his space. I missed him. He’s coming home tomorrow. But I was genuinely excited for him. And glad he had a good time.
On Saturday, I organized a women’s hike. We tackled Mt. Greylock, the highest peak in Massachusetts. I had to drive in the snow. I wasn’t even nervous. I use to never leave my house when it was snowing. I use to stay awake due to having fear of driving in the snow. But this weekend, I drove in the snow, planned and hike and did really well. No anxiety on the hike. No insecurity.
Then today, I had a crap situation with someone. When I received the message, my stomach dropped. I was frustrated. I felt singled out. But I handled it well. I didn’t let myself be controlled by emotions. I handled it like an adult.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to get at. I tend to focus on the negative. The breakdown I had the other week, was rough. I cried in therapy for the first time ever in two and a half years. I still might need to adjust my medication. I still need to be aware of my anxiety. But I’m pretty proud of some recent things and I wanted to share. I will not always be proud of myself. I will make mistakes in the future. I will be a fool. But today I am proud and I need to celebrate when I am.
Today, I am proud of myself.