Spring is here, which brings new beginnings and growth…right? I read quotes about how change and growth being painful, I just still wish it wasn’t so. If you couldn’t infer from my Instagram posts, I’m going through a breakup. It’s extremely emotionally painful. I’m having a hard time going through the process of grieving.
The relationship was one I fought for, for a long time. I gave my all. I’m not sure if he can say that. It was 2.5 years of mostly really good memories. Memories I once cherished. There were moments of growth in the relationship and personally. I tried numerous new things during the time of our relationship. Rock Climbing. Ice climbing. Hard day hikes. Backpacking. Willing to have faith. Now, I’m not so sure what to do with those memories.
I always knew he had a hard time with words, but I always believed he cared for and loved me, although he had a hard time saying it. I struggled with anxiety. He struggled with avoidance. But I do believe we tried. The last six months were really something special. I started trusting him that he wouldn’t leave. I started to fully believe in us. I allowed myself to become excited about the future. We were talking about plans for the summer. And even way in the future. But something didn’t work for him.
We broke up two weeks ago. Well, he broke up with me. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I hate being the one still caring when the other person let go. I think of all our friends or people in our lives and how they probably knew this was coming. I think of them saying to him, good for you got rid of that crazy one.
When we met to talk, earlier this week, I needed closure. I think he did as well in his own way. He was cruel. He was cold. He knew all my triggers and used them against me. He wanted me to hate him, and he succeeded. I hate him. But where does that leave the 2.5 years we had? The years where I trusted him. Where I had amazing memories with him. When I thought he was a special person. I don’t know where to go from there.
Now I’m left with the pieces. The pieces of trying to move on but not knowing how. The pieces of a heart and a relationship, that was once so precious. I made the steps to move forward. I changed my address. I canceled my climbing membership. I downloaded then deleted apps. I wrote about it. I hiked about. I talked about it. I drank about it. I went to therapy about it. I’m moving stuff fully out this week.
It’s a heartbreaking time for me. I’m not only mourning the loss of this relationship, but I’m also mourning the loss of friendships too. I’m no longer going to go on weekend trips with them if he will be there. I’m no longer going to go out to get drinks with them if his name might come up. I don’t want to know about his next lover. I don’t want to know how well he is doing without me.
I don’t really know what I need right now, but I do know that no one is saying the right thing:
“You deserve better”
“This is a blessing in disguise”
“It’s tough, but you’re strong”
“You can get through this tough part”
“You’re better off”
Ya, ya, ya all those are true. But those sting when I hear them because I wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish he would be around. I wish he wouldn’t be so cold. I wish I didn’t feel like he thinks I’m garbage. I wish I didn’t feel worthless. I’m okay to feel like trash for a while. I don’t think I’m ready to let this feeling go yet. When I find myself stop grieving, I get scared. I’m scared to let it go because that means it’s over. So those cliche sayings are true and valid, but I’m just not ready for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I could have survived these past two weeks without these people. I was a mess. People showed up when I needed them. People supported me. People let me vent. People pushed me. They helped me survive. I feel eternally blessed for their friendships.
Spring just started. I’m ready for the bloom soon. I’ll be ready to become this new me, whoever she is. I’ll be ready to reclaim the outdoors as my own. I’ll be ready to practice self-love more and more each day. Maybe, I’ll even be ready to trust and date again. But for now, I need to cry. I need to keep busy. I need to make some bad decisions. I need to figure out my new anxiety and depression. Until I’m ready to heal. I think I’ll be there soon, but not quite yet. But spring just started.