Spring is Here. So is Painful Change & Growth

Spring is here, which brings new beginnings and growth…right? I read quotes about how change and growth being painful, I just still wish it wasn’t so. If you couldn’t infer from my Instagram posts, I’m going through a breakup. It’s extremely emotionally painful. I’m having a hard time going through the process of grieving.

IMG_3663The relationship was one I fought for, for a long time. I gave my all. I’m not sure if he can say that. It was 2.5 years of mostly really good memories. Memories I once cherished. There were moments of growth in the relationship and personally. I tried numerous new things during the time of our relationship. Rock Climbing. Ice climbing. Hard day hikes. Backpacking. Willing to have faith. Now, I’m not so sure what to do with those memories.

I always knew he had a hard time with words, but I always believed he cared for and loved me, although he had a hard time saying it. I struggled with anxiety. He struggled with avoidance. But I do believe we tried. The last six months were really something special. I started trusting him that he wouldn’t leave. I started to fully believe in us. I allowed myself to become excited about the future. We were talking about plans for the summer. And even way in the future. But something didn’t work for him.

We broke up two weeks ago. Well, he broke up with me. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I hate being the one still caring when the other person let go. I think of all our friends or people in our lives and how they probably knew this was coming. I think of them saying to him, good for you got rid of that crazy one.

When we met to talk, earlier this week, I needed closure. I think he did as well in his own way. He was cruel. He was cold. He knew all my triggers and used them against me. He wanted me to hate him, and he succeeded. I hate him. But where does that leave the 2.5 years we had? The years where I trusted him. Where I had amazing memories with him. When I thought he was a special person. I don’t know where to go from there.

Now I’m left with the pieces. The pieces of trying to move on but not knowing how. The pieces of a heart and a relationship, that was once so precious. I made the steps to move forward. I changed my address. I canceled my climbing membership. I downloaded then deleted apps. I wrote about it. I hiked about. I talked about it. I drank about it. I went to therapy about it. I’m moving stuff fully out this week.

It’s a heartbreaking time for me. I’m not only mourning the loss of this relationship, but I’m also mourning the loss of friendships too. I’m no longer going to go on weekend trips with them if he will be there. I’m no longer going to go out to get drinks with them if his name might come up. I don’t want to know about his next lover. I don’t want to know how well he is doing without me.

I don’t really know what I need right now, but I do know that no one is saying the right thing:

“You deserve better” IMG_3170
“This is a blessing in disguise”
“It’s tough, but you’re strong”
“You can get through this tough part”
“You’re better off”

Ya, ya, ya all those are true. But those sting when I hear them because I wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish he would be around. I wish he wouldn’t be so cold. I wish I didn’t feel like he thinks I’m garbage. I wish I didn’t feel worthless. I’m okay to feel like trash for a while. I don’t think I’m ready to let this feeling go yet. When I find myself stop grieving, I get scared. I’m scared to let it go because that means it’s over. So those cliche sayings are true and valid, but I’m just not ready for them.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I could have survived these past two weeks without these people. I was a mess. People showed up when I needed them. People supported me. People let me vent. People pushed me. They helped me survive. I feel eternally blessed for their friendships.

Spring just started. I’m ready for the bloom soon. I’ll be ready to become this new me, whoever she is. I’ll be ready to reclaim the outdoors as my own. I’ll be ready to practice self-love more and more each day. Maybe, I’ll even be ready to trust and date again. But for now, I need to cry. I need to keep busy. I need to make some bad decisions. I need to figure out my new anxiety and depression. Until I’m ready to heal. I think I’ll be there soon, but not quite yet. But spring just started.


Past relationship articles connected with this topic:
Love. Baggage. Relationships. Anxiety.
Relationships
Love, Relationships, Anxiety, Depression
Love and Anxiety
I’m Your Crux. Anxiety & Depression are Mine.

4 thoughts on “Spring is Here. So is Painful Change & Growth”

  1. Hi Sylvia, I just wanted to say a couple of things. First, bravo to you for being so open and honest and real. I know that’s not why you do this…for accolades or compliments. You do this because it’s who you are. And who you are, how you express yourself and how you dare to be in this world and hike and give and love and get hurt is a wonderful thing. Wonderful may not ring true just now for you…and I get that but it’s the daring to take life and live it and immerse in it that I admire. Not sure how I started following you but I think it was probably a picture of you in the snow or a mountain and how your fitting those into your blog. As a veteran of some horribly heart wrenching breakups from my 20’s all the way into my 40’s I feel your pain, understand it, acknowledge it and absolutely affirm that you are an extraordinary gift to everyone who knows you. Your worth is waaaaaaaaaaay bigger than any single relationship that comes or goes. So, I only offer two bits of advice (cuz I totally here you on the yah yah yah part=) One, lean on your people. Over and over and over. Lean on them even though the cliches and words are sometimes hard to hear or digest or whatever. It’s the LEANING while talking with them, walking with them, sharing with them that matters…way more than any particular thing that is said. That is the part that gets us through. Two, keep going outside and noticing. You already do that and just keep on doing that. That has always been my refuge and revival and strength in tough times. I don’t know why it came to mind, but as I work on building my outdoor hiking biz etc…I peruse lots of podcasts and I think you’d like the Nature Guys podcast. Two old timers, Bill and Bob in Cincinnati, just talking AT LENGTH about toads or cicadas or sassafras…it’s just about the most nerdy, dorky, in-depth thing you’ve ever heard and it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful cuz these guys just love what they do and love sharing it with others…not unlike me and not unlike you. So! I’ll leave it at that and thanks for your post. =) Ted

    Like

    1. Ted – I can’t thank you enough for your extremely kind words. I wish I had the right words to describe how thankful I am. It’s so hard sometimes to see my worth. Your tips are just what I need. I need to keep leaning even when it’s hard for me to because I want to isolate.

      Like

  2. People often change their behaviour after a breakup and turn cold like complete strangers, sometimes it’s just a way of dealing with things. It doesnt mean anything about the past, it doesnt mean that things you’ve had together were not real at the time.

    From my experience, real closure can only come from the inside, from a real understanding of why whatever happened – happened for the best, and what lesson it meant to teach you about yourself and about what you need.

    Spring is indeed a good time for growing and transforming into a better and stronger form of you. Im also on the same type of journey.
    Good luck! (:

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s