Back to Me: Feeling Grateful

It’s been over a month now. My birthday is tomorrow. And it’s not going to be what it’s supposed to be. Or, I guess, what it was going to be. But I’m doing my best to make sure I enjoy it.

I’m learning to let go of expectations. Before March, I had an idea of what my 29th year was supposed to look like. Where I was going to be living. Who I was going to be with. Who my people were. How I was going to be traveling. But, my life got uprooted. I had to change. I had to adapt.

IMG_4475When I went to the Bahamas with my family at the beginning of April, I struggled. My ex was supposed to come with me. So I had a month to adapt what I originally thought the trip would be. I thought about not going. I thought about bringing someone else. But it ended up being me and my family – who all had partners. I wasn’t able to manage my expectations. I was unhappy. I was cranky. I was a bit rude. I survived the trip, but I definitely didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have. I was trapped in what it was supposed to be versus what it was.

When the break up happened, it felt like my life was torn apart. Not just because of the loss of the relationship, but because of the loss of everything that came with it. The house. The friendships. The trips. The memories. Those possessions were no longer mine. I had to start over. I thought I lost so many pieces of myself in this process. I lost what my expectations were.

I put so much of my life and self-worth in him. Without him and what he came with, I didn’t really know who I was or what I was going to do. I thought I wasn’t capable of doing things if he didn’t believe in me. If he didn’t believe in me, how could I believe in myself? I didn’t think I would go to new and exciting places. I didn’t think I could go on harder outdoor adventures. I thought I would crumble. Part of this was because of anxiety and depression, but part of it was losing so many pieces of life along with him.

Luckily, none of my fears turned out to be true. It turns out that I am surrounded by IMG_3947amazing people that have nothing to do with him. I made connections with people that I wouldn’t have made if I was still with him. I’ve gone to amazing places. I am planning on doing amazing things. I’m finding my inner child again. I have goals. I am moving through this.

I’m surprised to find a type of relief with the end of the relationship. It’s nice to not have anxiety about never being enough for him. And boy, did I never feel like enough. It’s nice to not have to be constantly moving. It’s nice to not have to walk on eggshells. It’s nice to be free. I’m grateful for him. But I’m also grateful that it’s over. I know I say that now— but some days I’m not going to feel that way – I know it. But this is my current view. This one person doesn’t get to decide my self-worth. This one person doesn’t get to tell me who I am. This one person doesn’t get to have that power over him. I am more than him. I am more than us.

I’m grateful for where I am in my life right now. I am back who I was without him, but still with pieces of who I was when I was with him. Maybe that’s confusing. But it’s the fact that I think I am becoming my best self. I am taking the best pieces of who I was in that relationship and the best pieces of who I was without him, and becoming this Sylvia 2.0.

I’m still learning how to manage those lost expectations. It’s going to be a process – as everything is. But today, I felt really good today. I felt complete today. I felt like myself today. I am slowly getting to this new version of me who I think I’m going to really love. So stay tuned.

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