Often times, when I’m writing or talking or working or even just existing, I think to myself “who do I think I am?” Because honestly, most of the time I’m winging it. I also don’t know how to pretend and I really wish I did. I wish I could pretend to be the cool, chill woman, but instead, I am me. I give potential dates the psychopath test. I give too much. I trust too much, while not trusting at the same time. I try way too hard. Sometimes I can be too nice to people who don’t deserve it. I worry about people, and some of the people are ones I shouldn’t be worrying about. I am way too loud. I don’t think before I talk, text, or act. Or I overthink it. I don’t really have a balance.
I recently went on a first date with someone and was called crazy and loud. So yes, I am those things. But they were said in a way that belittled me. It threw me off quite a bit. I continued on the date – even though I didn’t want to. I continued to listen and I continued to defend. I even walked through an antique store with him when all I wanted to was go home. When I was finally able to leave, I went to a bar and had a drink on my own. I was a lot more fun.
But I was kind of mad at myself. I questioned the date so much. Was I just being sensitive? Because I’ve been known to be sensitive. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I shouldn’t date. Maybe I’m not meant for relationships. Destined to be alone forever. And then I questioned why I stayed so long when I wanted to leave. Why am I such a people pleaser?
Then I went on a date with myself and realized how I awesome I was. More like, I think I’m a good, fun person. There’s going to be someone out there that get my quirks and likes me for me. And that will happen one day.
I also realized that I’m also really content with my life. I have awesome friends. I like my job (most of the time). I go on adventures. I have my alone time. I get to choose to do things when I want to do them.
I think when I’m in a relationship, I can get caught up in the other person. It’s really nice to focus on me for a change. To have freedom.
I think I also get caught up in dating. I’m just not good at it. I think too much. I expect too much. I get anxiety about it. I think for now taking space for me is the right idea. If I meet someone in real life – awesome – but I’m not going to sweat it either. I like my life. And I’m not going to mess that up for just anyone.
So I haven’t figured the whole dating with anxiety and depression out yet. But I think that’s okay. I’m currently going with the flow and that seems to be what I need. I need to do things for me. Maybe I’ll have a better idea in a few months. I’ll check back in.