Abandonment. Loneliness. Anxiety.

Recently, I have done a lot of “talk” about being okay being alone, which I am. I am truly okay with being single. Being single, however, is only one part of socialization and connection. I love doing things alone. I love having alone time. But I don’t love doing things alone or having alone time all the time. Due to numerous factors in my life, I’m starting to get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I legitimately cried today because of this. I haven’t cried in a long time, but this feeling struck me hard. This feeling of loneliness exacerbates my fears of abandonment. It’s a vicious cycle. Rationalizing doesn’t always work with this either.IMG_9876.JPG

My old “friend” group has been doing a lot of group trips — camping, climbing, hiking, etc. — trips that I couldn’t have been invited to. My past partner is the one who plans them mostly, or he is the one that has the knowledge or gear or whatever, and I never go anymore. The group trips are what I miss the most, and seeing pictures of it is hard. It was expected. I knew this would happen. I knew it would be the hardest part, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. The lack of invites might also be due to me. I thought they were my friends, but maybe I was just along for the ride and I never really mattered. I’m not sure the reasoning behind it, but I’m not sure if it even matters. It still hurts. It still stings. I still feel abandoned.

My other friend groups are also not as active. Our lives are getting hectic. I haven’t been able to see them either for completely legitimate reasons. I’m not worried about these friendships, but the feelings of abandonment still creep up constantly.

It’s just hitting home with all my anxieties: IMG_9965.JPG
I’m not good enough.
People won’t stay.
People only pretend to be nice to me.
People don’t care.
I’m annoying.
I’m a burden.

Friend groups leaving or being busy are huge triggers for me. Even if it makes sense. Even if I expected it. I can’t explain this feeling to some, because I’m not sure they would understand. I want to say “I get it, but I don’t get it or it still hurts,” but would they even try to understand?.

I’m also sure living alone doesn’t help. I have no forced socialization. I even have that anxious thought of: if I die, it would take people days or weeks to even notice.

I’ve been trying to combat this for a bit. I haven’t figured it out completely yet, but I’m working on it. I currently I force myself to go places – I call it “fake socialization”. I go to the gym or the grocery store – I see people but I still don’t have to talk to them. It’s like a tug-a-war … I want to see people and feel some connection, but then I also hate talking to new people. I try to reach out to people when I can. I go out into the world and do my own thing. I go on first dates.

It’s going to be a process. Learning. Adapting. Moving on. It’s going to be many small steps.

7 thoughts on “Abandonment. Loneliness. Anxiety.”

  1. I struggle a lot with loneliness too, even though in so many ways I’m happy with my life. I never had a group of friends, but I see them and I just want in so bad even though when I get the chance invite I panic and kinda can’t wait to be home the whole time! It’s hard to create these relationships at this point.


  2. Small steps is the way to go. And it’s ok if sometimes you go a step or two backward. Keep trying. An emotional support system is also necessary. I’m sure you know all this, this is just my way of trying to give you encouragement. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There are others of us out here who feel similarly. I’m not at all minimizing your loneliness, but one positive I see in your case is that you’re still young. Feeling lonely at older age [I’m in my early 60’s] tends to make you feel you have a lot less options. However, my two cents worth of advice is keep expressing yourself and pressing on with what you enjoy. I’d say there are probably more like-minded lurkers out there reading your work than you may be aware of.

    I also know that it can be disheartening when people don’t take the time engage with you after reading your work, as you wish they would. That’s why I wanted to drop you a note. It may not even be intentional, but it’s been my experience that until others have personally felt the gnawing ache of loneliness, it’s easy for them to stay caught up in daily activities and not even think about others on the periphery and how they may be feeling.

    Further, the one’s you’re observing may not really be ‘your tribe’ to begin with. Just keep being the wonderfulness that is you and you will attract the right people and feel very fluid interacting with them when you want, and maintaining your space when you want.

    My best to you,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your wonderful comment. It really means a lot. I truly have no idea how many people my blog has reached or it has helped. I often wonder the point in writing on it. As you can see, I haven’t written in a while. But your comment helps, so thank you.


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