When you break up with someone, everyone tells you how to handle losing that person. How to go on without someone who was your person for a while. Who you went to when you were in crisis. With who you knew intimately. You can read articles. You can watch movies. You can listen to the songs. People get that. They get that it hurts to lose that person. They get that you need help and understanding. But this post isn’t about that person. I am okay, truly okay with losing that person. What I didn’t expect to hurt so much was losing the group. Losing the trips. Losing friends. Losing something that I thought I was a part of.
It makes sense. I know it does. They were friends with my ex person first. You are going to end up losing the majority of them. You are no longer going to be invited. You will not be chosen. But then you see photos. You hear of group trips. You see them hang out and go on like you never mattered. Then it stings a bit more. Because in reality, you didn’t. You were just another notch. Another woman passing through. I was just there. I would have liked to think that wasn’t true, but the proof is there for the majority of them. Some are still around, those are the ones that matter.
This loss. This hurt. No one really talks about as much. There isn’t a song to listen to about losing a group of friends due to a breakup. The feeling of those years not mattering. That memories were just a figment. That those bonds or relationships were just a lie. When I look back at the photos, I get pissed. I was happy in those moments. Those hikes, those hangs, those people meant something. And now they don’t. I miss having a group. Being a part of something. Always having people to do something with. Not being alone when I didn’t want to be alone. I felt like my life got bigger. Then it shrunk.
It could be for the better. They knew me at a time when my anxiety and depression were high. I was a pain in the ass sometimes. They knew me as a part of a relationship. They didn’t know me as me. Maybe they wouldn’t like me as who I really am. Who I am now. I will never know because I was never given that opportunity. And that is partly okay.
They were also part of a different life. A time in my life where I grew a lot. Where I learned a lot. The time when I finally embraced a side of me that I was so scared of. It got me to where I am now. I am currently growing my group of friends again. I’m living the single life and doing my own thing as well. That is okay for now. I know I will grow with another group eventually. For now, I’m managing it by watching whose photos I look at it. Who I engage with. And Focusing on my life now. Because that is what matters. My life now is going well. I may no longer be a part of the group, but now I have my own life and friends.