This past year was a year of being uncomfortable. It was a year of reflection. A year of struggle. A year of learning to be on my own. When quickly looking back on this past year, all I could think of was loneliness and strife. I had months of being angry and resentful. Months of feeling alone and like I was treading water.
This year was me being scared for the most part. I was scared that I would lose my sense of adventure. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to pick myself up. I was scared that I was too broken to be loved. I was scared that I would be trapped in a life I didn’t want. I was scared that this was it for me.
This year was also learning to sit in my discomfort. It was taking time to be heartbroken. It was taking time to feel betrayed. It was taking time to forge new friendships. It was taking time leaving old pieces of me behind. It was taking time to forgive people I didn’t want to forgive. It was taking time sitting with myself when I wanted to run away.
It was a year of a different type of adventure for me. I no longer had a group of friends that I once had. There were no longer big group adventures, but smaller intimate ones. Not worse. Not better. Just different. I took a step back from challenging myself because I no longer had someone to help me. I learned how to trust myself in the outdoors more and more.
I lost certain friendships but gained others. I have become closer to people that I would not have otherwise. People that I’m incredibly grateful and happy to have in my life. I can’t begin to explain how blessed I feel for them.
But it’s also been a year of mixed emotions. I am happy I found my way, but I resent the fact that I needed to do it. I’m proud of how strong I have become, but I hate that I had to be strong this year. I’m mad that I had to build my world back up, even though I’m so happy where I am in my life right now. I feel more confident than I have in a long time, but I still question if I’m worthy of love.
So yeah, this year has been filled with a lot of struggle and uncomfortable growth, but I don’t want to focus on just that. I wrote a list of my favorite memories of 2019. I was surprised by how many I came up with. I had so many amazing memories. Adventure trips. New friends. I adopted a cat (one of my best decisions). I joined a gym. I connected with others. I did talks at REI. I took time for myself.
I don’t regret this year of pain and growth. It did make me into a woman I am proud to be. I am hoping this was a year of struggle, so in 2020 I will finally be ready to flourish. To continue to become the woman I want to be in all aspects of my life.
In 2020, I wrote my intentions down the other day:
- Self-Love is a priority
- Friends are a priority
- Hike more
- Kickass at graduate school
- Grow professionally
- Challenge myself
- Embrace discomfort
At the beginning of 2019, I had no idea where this year would bring me. I didn’t think I would be living with my cat in my own apartment and single. So I have no idea where this year will bring me either. I’m sure I will continue to struggle with feelings of worthiness. I know I’m getting a tattoo (hopefully more). I know I will at least attempt to hike the Presidential Traverse in a day. I know I will continue to work hard for my job and my grad program. I will continue to make friends. I will continue my journey. I hope that 2020 is filled with more happiness than struggles.
It’s a new year. A new decade. I’m not going in this new year being brand new. I’m filled with scars and wounds, but they are pieces of me. I’m okay with that.