Am I too broken to love or be loved? What if all the things I hate about myself makes me unlovable? What if no one will ever choose me? What if no one will ever show up?
These are the questions I ask myself time and time again. Days when something small triggers me into a spiral. This is a spiral that I find hard to stop. Once I start going, it’s hard to slow it down. I believe that I am too broken to be loved or chosen. That my anxiety, depression, and all my other flaws somehow make me unlovable. There is something inherently off in my soul, some flaw or mistake, that will have me be alone.
One of the reasons that these thoughts, these negative beliefs about myself, are hard to stop is because I have so much proof to prove it. My friends and loved ones tell me I’m worthy. That it is the other’s loss. That I have to just keep trying. Someone will stay. The worthy one won’t run.
But no one has romantically. No one has healthily chosen me. No one has truly cared for me. The ones who I have dated long term, they all complained about me. My anxiety. My depression. My “neediness”. One eventually left. One became emotionally abusive.
This doesn’t create a positive environment for my self-growth. I blame(d) myself. My past-trauma and mental health issues cause me to be unlovable. There is something that men can see me that makes them run. They can see my broken pieces. The pieces that tarnish my worthiness. So they never choose me.
Some may say it’s not me. That it has something to do with them. But I also think it’s safe to admit at a certain point, that it’s not them but me.
Then there are moments where I have the utmost confidence. That I know I’m worthy of love. Someday I will show up for someone and they will show up for me. Until that moment, I have to continue to combat these thoughts. I don’t want to bring myself down these spiral anymore. I don’t want to question my worthiness. It’s something I’ve been trying so long to fight for. I want to love myself. I want to believe I’m worthy. I want to continue to grow those pieces of me. I’m going to get there someday, but just not today.