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I never thought I would hike a 4,000 footer in the winter. I never thought that I would be able to - mentally or physically. I never thought that I could do 3 days of activities in a row without a panic attack. I never thought that I could plan a trip for 7 people. There was some rough moments with some anxiety and depression creeping in. I felt overwhelming at times. I felt lost at times. But I did my best. There were a lot of things that I thought I could never do. I’m so glad I proved myself wrong.

Summited Mount Moosilauke this weekend with some really amazing people. Moosilauke has an elevation of 4,802 feet and the hike was around 9 miles. I was anxious the night before, due to a multitude of reasons, but that day I kicked ass. I’ve been wanting to do this hike since 8th grade due to the legend of Dr. Thomas Benton in the mountain. I was prepared. I felt knowledgeable. I helped plan it. I wasn’t perfect, but it felt really amazing doing it and doing it well. I’m still learning how to be okay with not being the best. It’s a work in progress. I wasn’t the fastest. But I still kicked ass.

I was really just going to stay and inside and chill this snow day. I thought I needed to do nothing to relax and feel refreshed. I didn’t want to do anything. My partner pushed me a little to get me go on adventure. I’m so glad I did. It was freaking beautiful. We broke the trail. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. Sometimes I need that push and I’m so grateful I got it today. . . 📍Jesse Gerard Trail

Sometimes I’m not in the mood to push myself. I’m not the mood to go outside my comfort zone. I get scared a little more easily. I get a little more hesitant. Today was one of those days. I was skiing at Attitash and I just wasn’t feeling it today. I fell a lot. I was terrified. I soon realized I wasn’t in the right mindset to continue to push myself. I ended up saying on greens. These days are okay. Sometimes I need to take a break and know it’s okay to go easy. In real life and outdoor adventure.

For me, it’s really easy to be harsh on myself. To tell myself that I should be doing more. That I should be farther by now. That I am a complete mess and failure. That my anxiety and depression are in control. Every time I have a slight moment of anxiety, I feel defeated. But today, I looked back on photos. My perspective changed a bit. . . I looked at my Snapchat specifically. I looked at my stories. I looked at how many times I drank wine to cover up my anxiety and to survive a night. I saw how many times I had breakdowns in my car midday. I saw my thoughts and daily moments being consumed by it. I saw some friendships that came and gone. I saw memories with my favorite puppy who is now passed. I saw experiences that gave me intense anxiety which I survived. . . I especially saw myself grow. I saw my obsession with my anxiety become less and less. I saw myself becoming whole again. I saw myself becoming more secure. I saw myself no longer drinking as much wine. I saw myself being at peace with myself. I saw my relationships grow. I saw myself doing new activities and no longer being consumed by anxiety and depression. After I remembered at those moments, I had a moment where I was just intensely proud of myself.

I struggle with imposter syndrome in most areas of my life. My job. Outdoors. Social situations. Adult life. The feeling of dread surrounding this feeling overwhelms me randomly. I will feel great and then feel like I never have any idea what I’m feeling. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to be in public because I’m such a mess. It’s lately been pretty high in my job life. Most of the time I feel okay and then I just feel lost and incompetent. That I chose the wrong path. I try to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can. That when you’re new at something, there is going to be a learning curve. I’m learning how to be patient with myself. It’s still a process. Sometimes I still want to run away and hide (#thanksanxietyanddepression ) But you know I keep moving forward and patting myself on the back when needed.

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